Every Indian Driver should read this ...

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This hilarious article was written by an IT Professional from
Baan, Netherlands who spent 2 years in Hyderabad. 

Read it and ENJOY ...


Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, **** & Harry
visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am
offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to
every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a
vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma
where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?

The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the
road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right,
unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the
next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts,
ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules
leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers
don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended
direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself
except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not
in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants
to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped
in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross
only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop
because some minister is in town. Still some ***** may try to
wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.
We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and
bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow
in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read
them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's
motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when over
ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking
colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is
an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans.
These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the
Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a
rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on
 an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene
oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas
cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at
an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children
 are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children
in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then
their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round
so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause
 no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are
charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion
en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules
depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes
noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of
petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road
are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in
the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier
vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes
and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers
hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and
the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but
obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload
(so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked.
Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add
jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal
meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it
means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive,
as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also.
Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by
providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house.

This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes
for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification
by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the
pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience
(for those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way,
it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who
amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn
on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed
record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field
adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do
not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink
your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in
the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack
(alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral
functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers
are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.
Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about
six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but
a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the
left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close
to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that
the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch
for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only,
you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the
driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.

This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a
left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief
on a hot day.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have
your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have
gone home and The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM
OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate
and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other
countries!!? ?


India is a great country. 

And, Indian drivers are the bravest, the greatest and the best. 

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Made hilarious reading, indeed. Holland may just have the population of any metro in India. It's easy to govern and regulate. When the population reaches something like 1.2 billion, even the smallest task can become rather arduous. I was grumbling when I was doing the immigration check between Shenzhen (China) and Hong Kong that they should learn from the Thirumala (TTD) 'Q' complex as to how to manage crowds.   

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TOKYO: Supercars ranging from Ferrari to Lamborghini ended up in
a crumbled heap, in Japan's worst-ever traffic pile up in which
SUVs worth up to USD 4 million turned to trash.

Involved in the crash over 400 metres east-bound side of the Chucks
Expressway were eight Ferraris, a Lamborghini, two Mercedes and host
of Toyota Prius, the world's most fuel efficient car, Japan's NTV

A pack of about 20 supercars were zooming on the wet highway, when
a leading Ferrari slipped into a highway-rail and TV reports said
in matter of minutes, 14 other SUVs piled up in what was described
as the world's costliest crash.

The cars were headed to Hiroshima some 130 kms away to the east to a
gathering of supercars there.

Though the crash cost millions, no human life was lost, with police
reporting that only five people were injured. smiley20.gif

(Economic Times - 05.12.2011 - 3p.m flash)

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